♪ 어제와 다른 오늘 - 지은Last night, went out for supper with my dad, aunt and cousin. And on the trip back, I just did a lot of thinking. About my brother.
You know how everyone says I'm mature, and sensitive and everything. Like I know what to say, and what not to say in certain situations. Truthfully, I never used to be like that. Until that accident two years ago changed my whole life.
The whole corny phrase, You never treasure things until they're gone... Its true. I used to take my brother for granted, curse him, whack him, be mean to him... And all those times, I think, "Well, whatever, I can make up for this when we're all older." And I never got the chance.
I remember that night like it was yesterday. The phone calls we all made, getting worried about him, wondering where he could be. My mum was gonna call the hospitals and everything, then that one phone call. Our whole world came crashing down. I used to have these great visions, where the whole family goes out together, has fun together. It had been ages since that, and I wanted it to go back to that again. Then that phone call crushed all my dreams. I remember being stoned, just sitting on the chair and staring at the wall. Feeling blank, not being able to cry and everything. My mum was calm at first, she went for a bath. Then when she came back down, she was hysterical. I remember my sister crying, my dad just sitting on the computer chair and staring at the computer screen. My maid leaning against the kitchen door and crying. I don't know when I started crying. Maybe because of what my mum was screaming, it just set something off. I cried for ages. Cried while my dad called his brothers and told him. I managed to stop crying when my 2nd uncle came, trying hard to comfort my mother.
Then my sister and I followed him to pick up our aunts. My sister was silent in the car, I know she was crying. When we got back to the house, my mum's whole office was there. They were trying to comfort her. I just sat on a chair, listened to my mum talk, then finally I broke down again. Crying into the pillow so hard. My mum's boss kept patting me, telling me it was ok, but I was thinking, "I EFFING LOST MY BROTHER AND ITS OK?"
I have no idea how I got to sleep. But I slept, and I woke up crying. My nephew was with me, and I just thought, "He's so young, he can't understand anything." When I got down, my aunt was trying to get my mum to eat, but she was stoned. I ate. I have no idea how. I just ate, but everything tasted so bland. I just entertained everyone who came, wondering why the heck I had to do that. I was supposed to be mourning.
Then the body came.
That's when I totally broke down. We were supposed to do this ritual, where we take flowers and spread it around his head, then kiss his forehead. My sister was hysterical, clinging onto my aunt and refusing. The body lay there. I stared at it. So pale. Scars. I felt a pang in my heart. My brother would have wanted to leave looking like an adonis. But apparently not. I didn't want to do the ritual, I was crying terribly. But everyone egged me on. Watched as I approached the body, fell to my knees and cried more. My hand was shaking horribly while I spread the flowers. I probably didn't go in the direction wanted, my hands went everywhere, but when I leaned forward to kiss his forehead, I remember saying "I love you so much." It felt so cold, like marble. I didn't stop crying. Just sat there, tearing, watching people kiss him. Watched as my father leaned forward, kissed him. I saw him crying. I have never seen my dad cry before. He had to be supported.
When they were wrapping up the body, I remember my mum screaming. I just held onto her, crying. It was a miracle I had tears, but damn, I did. It finally dried up by the time they were burying him. He was given a police burial. I just stared as the coffin hit the ground, stared as they filled it in.
The next few days were hard. Few weeks. Few months. Whatever. I was emersing myself in work, whatever work I could do, because I was hiding from the reality. Lying to myself that my brother was back in NS, and would return soon. I cried nightly. While no one could see me. Went to bed crying, woke up crying...
I wanted badly to be close to my brother. I remember how I got into cars, because I wanted to feel close to him. I was thinking, "I have to stop being an idiot and just be nice." We were getting close. Then he left, just like that. I remember beating myself up, asking myself why I was such a fucked up fool.
So why am I even bothering to write this? Because last night, I realised how much I had forgotten about him. And it made me scared. I don't want to forget him. Forget the memories I have of him. I love him so much. Love. Present tense. With him, nothing is in past tense for him. Because he's here, guiding me, making sure I don't fall too many times. Without his memory, I wouldn't be able to do a lot of things. I wouldn't have the guts to do this, do that.
My sister and I are closer now. Though we argue often, I think both of us know that we're the only ones left to care for our parents. I respect her. I know we're going through a lot. Its been 2 years but the wounds are still fresh.
Treasure your friends and family. Take it from me, you'll regret it when they're gone. How do you know that you, or them, will meet with something unfortunate tomorrow?
Lee Jung said, in New Nonstop 5, "The best thing you can do for something you love is to confess your feelings."
Do that. Tell the person you love how much you love him/her, how much you treasure him/her, how much him/her means to you, and all that. You won't believe how happy that person will be.
So now I'll say it.
I love my whole family. You've been there for me all these while, correcting me when I did stupid things. My life would be meaningless without you. I would be a tiny fish floundering in a huge ocean. Probably get eaten by some evil shark. You're my saving grace, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I thank god I have my family.
Abang, wherever you are now, I hope you're happy. I know you'll always be here, watching over me. You're my guardian angel, aren't you? You are here, in our hearts, forever. I'm sorry I haven't visited you in ages. I just hate the graveyard, I hate going there. I hate knowing that you're gone. I hate knowing that this is reality.
My friends, you know who you are. Thanks for always being there, listening to me bitch. I'm probably a terrible friend, self-conceited and whatnot. But I want you to know I love you guys. I couldn't have better friends. Thanks to those 3 very special people who have been constantly advising me, watching out for me. I'm not sure if you know who you are, but all you have to know is.. You're not a pineapple, and you're all my lovely HPPS-ers.
You #1. I thought I knew you, but maybe I was wrong? All those times we spent together, I didn't feel that you cared for me the way I did to you. Maybe I was just living in denial. But I've had enough. You've treated me not-very-well lately, and that message was just the last straw. I'm sorry, but seriously, I'm not going to forgive you anymore.
You #2. 오빠, 정말 사랑해... You hurt me very badly, but I think you realised it. And I forgive you for all the shit you've done. I have no idea why you did such things. I don't believe you're a 나쁜 남자. Maybe you were influenced, or carried away. I wasn't the best 여자친구, that I know. I'm glad we're still friends, because even though there's 원빈오빠 now, I think that its not 사랑했어요 but still 사랑해...
You #3. 오빠, 괜찮아? You're working very hard nowadays, so take care of yourself. 당신 꿈을 꿨어요~ 아... 정말 보고싶다... I hope to see you soon, but that's like wishful thinking. Thanks for always cheering me up. You may not know it, but you do. ^o^; 오빠, 아자아자 화이팅! 사랑해~
Now, you all wanted to know why I write such great stories? Because I'm always running away from reality, in my own fantasy world. I create it, then pen it down. I keep these worlds close to me. Where murderous psychopaths always get caught. Where I'm someone who matters. Why do I read so much? Because I'm running away. Indulging myself in this world that someone else created. Thinking, this is better than my reality anyway.
And you know what?
Maybe my reality is better than I realised.
